Purposeful Leadership

May 25

What’s Grief Got to Do With It?

May 23, 2022

Written By: Lily Jones

“Grief is more than an emotion; it is also a faculty of being human. It is a skill that must be developed, or we will find ourselves migrating to the margins of our lives in hopes of avoiding the inevitable entanglements with loss. It is through the rites of grief that we are ripened as human beings. Grief invites gravity and depth into our world. We possess the profound capacity to metabolize sorrow into something medicinal for our soul and the soul of the community.” - By Francis Weller, An Apprenticeship with Sorrow

Terry Chapman and Carolyn Baker joined us today for our 107th Essential Conversations to reflect on leadership. We’d like to mention that at Heart of the Matter for our Essential Conversations is to connect and live from purpose is a stabilizing force, a true north. Expressing your purpose as service is love and action. Convening isn’t just about meetings and gatherings; it’s about being in true relationship.

Today’s conversation was inspired by Terry and Carolyn’s new program Weaving Threads of Grief and Joy which is a two-day virtual interactive course for leaders who are not only learning to attend to their own experience of grief but wish to hold the space for others to navigate the territory of grief in their lives.

You may be asking yourself who was this work designed for? It’s for all of us. As convenors, as leaders were people in relationship, and so leadership is influence. Whether it’s a positive generative influence or an influence that just stays stuck in life depends on how we develop our capacity, especially with grief.

In a person’s life there are consolations (high notes); those beautiful things that are meant to be celebrated. There are also desolations (low notes); not to be celebrated, perhaps even sources of shame. Nothing in life prepares anyone for the desolations. Who’s going to take care of me? How do I live my life while I’m diminishing, while I’m dying? Where do we learn to grieve? How do we learn the language of loss? What happens when we don't learn how to grieve? Grief is always in some way accompanying us like a shadow or a friend for the journey.

There are so many directions that we’re experiencing grief in our lives because grief happens to us. We don't choose grief, but we're invited, especially as holders of space as leaders to say yes to life, and yes to loss. This, yes, is a turning with compassion the reactive automatic. No into a creative Yes. We consent to develop an apprenticeship with sorrow. In other words, we learn the skill of grieving which really empowers us as leaders. How does one enter with intentionality into all the phases of life, including the process of diminishment? To find the YES to Loss Aging, dying, and death is a part of life with their own purposes, and graces and to continue to be life giving and self-giving to the world.

Much of Terry and Carolyn’s work of leadership is aspirational and creative. It is spirit work that is aspirational, the rising energy, the inspired work, the ascending work. Leaders often don't pay attention to the work of the soul - which is passive. It's not so much inspiring as it is expiring - It's a descending journey. That’s why it’s so important that leaders develop a capacity to move in that direction.

The capacity of leaders to be acquainted with grief - we can consent to grief that comes into our lives. It requires that we take up an apprenticeship with sorrow. Learning to welcome, hold, and metabolize. Sorrow is the work of a lifetime. “Through this program we can come together as allies and share our grief, support each other, and create a container that is really safe for us to be with that grief and express that grief that we're loved and supported. We're cheered on for feeling it and expressing it and that that brings much more joy and much more gratitude than we could ever experience by keeping it to ourselves.”

This topic resigned with our community member from the first question we asked our members through Hearing All the Voices: How does heart break show up in your world and work? (Responses follows)

heart break 心碎：when there's relative or friend die...
Ever present, I spend my days not to succumb to it.
Awareness of daily suffering around me.
We are surrounded by it. The people I love, those I work with as my client, those in my conversation after a faith service yesterday. It is daunting
Shows up in our inhumanity to each other.
It comes in unexpected moments.
Observing greed and poverty.
Heartbreak of the fears that cause our silence in the wake of any tragedy
fibre in the diet, it is not something I seek to retain....
when I do stupid things
depression and a sense of hopelessness - opportunities for change and growth
war, violence in the world. Personally as I see family members age, and lose their sense of home, of belonging.
At times out-loud, at times hidden
Integrating sadness at loss. Not being able to do enough to help hungry refugees in Africa.
From the grief that we experience with the loss of dear relatives and friends.
Shows me my relationship with loss.

sadness and loss
it shows up everywhere. It's called "Ambient Grief."
For the Ukrainian people, the people of Russia, for my daughter and her generation who are inheriting this world we have created
Managing through years of GRIEF is a huge part of MY DNA.
I see it in others, I stuff it in myself, sadly. It needs an outlet, yes?
I feel surrounded by it
Heartbreak shows up for me as dreams crashing….
it sneaks up on me
in my body, belly, and tears, and loss of breath
Like a punch in the face
The pointless devastation and loss in Ukraine- my heart swells
When leaders look to artificial measures of hope…vs. authentic hop - they lose heart.
What a great question! My life has been a series of having my heart broken open by loss and wonder.
It drains my energy and makes it difficult to remain optimistic regarding the future of our species
In my body. Pain.
It can often encourage compassion for others